I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
