i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
