if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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