I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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