Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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