It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
