I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
