I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
