Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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