He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
