think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize