I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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