My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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