I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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