my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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