i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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