Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you will always have a special place in my vag
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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