Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
