Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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