you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
