i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
