That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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