if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
