I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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