I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
