the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
