my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
