My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
