I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
