shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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