You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
FUCK WHALES
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
