rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize