his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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