Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
