Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
