if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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