On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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