I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
