I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
