Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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