I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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