he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
