Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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