he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
