i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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