Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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