Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize