I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
