I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
