the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
