I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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