Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
