i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Terrible idea I love it
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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