so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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