I'm jealous of your bromance
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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