He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
