remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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