yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
