His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
